


This is the Way the World Ends

by runawaynun



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Book 5: Nemesis Games, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, spoilers for nemesis games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22384699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runawaynun/pseuds/runawaynun
Summary: Chrisjen Avasarala's worst fears come true. Bobbie tries to help.
Relationships: Chrisjen Avasarala/Bobbie Draper
Comments: 9
Kudos: 69
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5





	This is the Way the World Ends

**Author's Note:**

  * For [venndaai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/venndaai/gifts).



> You asked for something set between Nemesis Games and Babylon Ashes. Here's my attempt. I played loose with some of the details in the book, so it might not match up exactly.

Bobbie found Chrisjen behind her desk in her study, intensely reading something on a pad in front of her, a cup of tea long cooled beside her. The large screen on the wall glowed blue, cycling through channels and frequencies, trying to find a signal from Earth. There were smaller screens scattered throughout the room, picking up newsfeeds from Mars and the Belt, each showing three images over and over: the rock strikes on Earth, Marco Inaros’ call to arms, and the creeping dread and sorrow of the Sol System. There was no question that Earth would respond, perhaps lash out, and the rest of the system held its breath waiting to see how many more dead will join the billions on Earth.

The weight of that decision rested on the shoulders of the woman studiously ignoring Bobbie. Bobbie couldn’t take that weight away from Chrisjen, but she would try to do anything to make the weight survivable. “When’s the last time you ate, ma’am?”

Chrisjen didn’t look up but flicked her wrist to reveal the next screen. “I thought you’d go out with Holden and his crew. Get ready for the next fucking step.”

And she had entertained the thought. Holden and Alex had made it clear that she was welcome to join them. When she turned them down and stated that she would check in on Avasarala, Amos grabbed her arm. “Take care of Chrissie,” he charged her solemnly. “She shouldn’t be alone.”

Bobbie moved to stand in front of the desk. “I would have. But some woman told me she loved me. I needed to make sure she’s going to survive this.”

This brought Chrisjen’s head up. Bobbie could see the bone-deep fatigue etched across her features. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

There was no way she was fine, but Bobbie chose to proceed slowly, cautiously. If need be, she could become more confrontational. “When’s the last time you’ve slept, Chrisjen?”

“Before,” she answered before returning to the information she was reading.

Bobbie had lost track of time during her and Alex’s mad dash from Mars to Luna but she was quite sure that meant Chrisjen hadn’t slept for at least 72 hours. “You need to sleep and eat.”

Chrisjen set the pad down with a thunk and stepped away from her desk. Agitated, she wrapped her arms around herself, eyes focused on the screen still searching for a signal from Earth. “How can I?”

“Chrisjen,” Bobbie said as she stepped towards her, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

Chrisjen took a large step away from Bobbie. “No, don’t fucking touch me.” She shuddered and swiped at her eyes. “If you touch me, I’ll fall apart. I - I can’t do that. Not now.” She gulped and backed further away.

Bobbie felt helpless and kept her arms outstretched. “Maybe you need to. Maybe you need to mourn.”

“I don’t have the fucking luxury.” Chrisjen shook her head. “Among the billions dead are Nancy Gao, her entire cabinet, the entire General Assembly. The UNN in its infinite fucking wisdom has decided that civilian leadership really should get us through this goddamn extinction level event. Really, none of them have the fucking balls to provide leadership through the death of a planet. It’s me, Bobbie, it’s me who has to figure out how to save what can be saved. To keep humanity alive.

“And nobody is fucking helping. Mars has just gone through its own cataclysm. The Belt is torn between glee and fear that I might wipe them out.”

She reached out, grasped the mug on her desk and threw it against the wall. It shattered, its contents leaving a dark stain as it dripped down the wall. “Me. Who had all the fucking pieces but couldn’t fucking put them together! I’ve spent my entire life fucking working to protect Earth from goddamn rocks and I let them slip through.” She turned toward Bobbie, her eyes haunted. “I was horrified at Errinwright letting 100,000 die on Eros. And look,” she gestured toward a screen with the image of Earth with debris turning the planet brown instead of the blue and green it usually was, “billions dead now. Billions to follow.”

Bobbie moved to stand close in front of Chrisjen, still not touching her. “Later, we’ll talk about the egotism of thinking you alone bear responsibility for this. But first, let me help you. Can I touch you?”

Chrisjen nodded.

Bobbie gently placed her hands on Chrisjen’s shoulders. She could feel the tension running through them. “You can’t help anyone else until you take care of yourself. You haven’t slept in at least three days and I’m guessing you haven’t eaten very much either. You need to do both.”

“I fucking can’t.”

“You have to. Look, there’s nothing you can do right now. It’s Luna’s night, what’s left of the UN is sleeping. Your generals are still speeding sunward. If anything is so important it can’t wait, someone will wake you up.” Chrisjen stood silently. “Don’t make me pick you up and drag you to bed.”

Chrisjen’s lip quirked upward. Bobbie rubbed her hands up and down Chrisjen’s arms. “Why don’t you take a shower? I’ll find some food. After you eat, you can try for a few hours of sleep.”

“There’s water rationing.”

“I doubt that you’re anywhere near using up your water rations. Take a shower.”

Christen reached up and cupped Bobbie’s face. “Stay with me?” she asked as she ran her thumb along Bobbie’s cheekbone.

The depth of sorrow in Chrisjen’s eyes still shocked her. “Of course.” She turned her head to kiss Chrisjen’s palm. “Go take a shower.”

*

Bobbie changed into an UNN tank top and shorts that she had left behind during her last visit to Luna. She sighed in relief. She was safe. Chrisjen was safe. At least for now. She went to the kitchen and looked for simple food. She knew Chrisjen would eat very little but she needed to tempt her to eat something.

Bobbie had gathered food on the table when Chrisjen emerged from the bathroom, hair damp and wearing a lavender silk nightgown. She grabbed a deep purple blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She still looked utterly exhausted and heartbroken and Bobbie couldn’t fight the impulse to take her into her arms. Chrisjen lightly placed her hands on Bobbie’s waist and rested her forehead on Bobbie’s shoulder. It was far more passive than she had ever known Chrisjen to be, but she was happy that Chrisjen allowed her touch.

“I’m so fucking relieved you’re safe,” Chrisjen said, burrowing her nose into Bobbie’s shoulder.

Bobbie tightened her embrace. “I was so worried, Chrisjen. I’m so glad you’re still here.”

The two women stood in silence for several moments, gaining a small measure of comfort in their closeness. Bobbie dropped kisses to the top of Chrisjen’s head and she felt Chrisjen press her lips against her shoulder.

Eventually, the silence was broken by the rumbling of Chrisjen’s stomach. Bobbie pulled back. “You can’t tell me you aren’t hungry.”

Chrisjen rolled her eyes. “What are you feeding me?”

Bobbie let go of her and pulled out a chair for her. Chrisjen pulled the blanket around her shoulders tighter and sat with an air of gracefulness that always amazed Bobbie. “I grabbed some of my favorites: grapes, apple slices, peanut butter, cheese, bread, and chocolate.”

A look of sorrow crossed Chrisjen’s face. “I supposed we should fucking eat this. Who knows if we’ll ever have real cheese and real chocolate again?” She paused. “I guess we’re going to find out just how rebuilt Ganymede is. Can it feed the system without help from Earth?”

“I once complained about how guarding soy beans was boring. Guess we’re all learning about how important they really are.”

“Help me go through those reports you sent me. I can’t fucking understand all the goddamn MCRN jargon.”

“Only if you eat something.”

Chrisjen popped a grape in her mouth. “Fucking happy?”

“Very.” Bobbie moved a chair over to where Chrisjen had pulled up the reports on the kitchen’s screen. And although she wanted to keep Chrisjen away from work for a few hours, she found that the other woman ate more when distracted by deciphering the movements of weapons and material and ships through Mars and beyond.

*

Bobbie was exhausted. She had taken short naps on the Razorback but her mind had not stopped racing enough to truly rest. The third time she yawned, Chrisjen swiped away the MCRN reports and squeezed Bobbie’s arm. “You should go to bed.”

“Only if you go with me.”

Chrisjen grimaced. “I can’t sleep.”

Bobbie could see that she was going to have play a bit dirty. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Chrisjen hesitated. Bobbie widened her eyes in a silent plea. “Fine.”

Bobbie leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and pulled her out of her chair.

And once she was under the covers, Chrisjen’s head lying on her chest, for the first time since she had heard the rocks had fallen, she felt some of tension in her body fall away. As she moved her hands up and down Chrisjen’s back, she felt how stiff the other woman continued to be. Bobbie rested her cheek on top of Chrisjen’s head. “You know it’s not your fault this happened, right?”

She felt Chrisjen nod against her chest. “It’s that fucker Inaros.”

“But you still feel responsible?”

Chrisjen’s fisted her hand into Bobbie’s tank top. “I should have seen this coming. I had the fucking pieces!”

“And some of those pieces you didn’t have until tonight.”

“So fucking what.”

“How could you have seen and prevented the attacks when Nancy Gao didn’t and she had the full resources of the UN at her disposal?”

“I - "

“Inaros was getting supplies from Mars and our government hadn’t one single fucking clue. It happened right under our Prime Minister’s nose and he was caught by surprise when a huge portion of the Martian military supported a coup against him. If he couldn’t see, how could you have?

“Hell, I talked to Holden and he was with Fred Johnson when the attacks happened. Fred was completely surprised by the attack on Tycho and he’s in the fucking Belt and controls one of the largest factions in the OPA. If he couldn’t - “

Chrisjen sat up and glared at Bobbie. “Because I am fucking better at this than any of them! Because fuckers like Inaros killed my son. Because my father took me stargazing when I was six and told me the danger of people who throw rocks and I have dedicated my life to stopping them.”

Bobbie pushed herself up on her elbows. “After Ganymede, I felt that way, too. That I should have saved my squad because I was a goddamn Martian marine. I was being eaten alive by guilt and sorrow. Then you showed me that the universe was so much more complicated than the simple story I had told myself and there was plenty of blame to go around.”

“You still almost got yourself fucking killed.”

“I killed my monster. I’ll make sure you get to kill yours.”

Bobbie watched as the anger rushed out of Chrisjen and was replaced again by exhaustion. She closed her eyes and leaned into Bobbie. Bobbie wrapped her arms around her and pulled her back down on top of her. “I’m not going to kill him,” Chrisjen said. “I’m going to put him on trial and then throw him into the deepest pit on Earth.”

Bobbie knew that now was not the time to remind Chrisjen that Earth’s gravity would kill Inaros. Chrisjen settled her head into the crook of Bobbie’s neck. “The governance of the whole fucking system is going to have to change and I will probably have to fucking set it up.” She kissed the hollow Bobbie’s throat. “But I am not fucking running it. I’m tired.”

“Then sleep, Chrisjen. You can’t do anything about it tonight.”

She felt Chrisjen’s arms tighten around her. “I’m not sure if I can sleep anymore.”

“Then close your eyes. It’ll help.” Bobbie tried to stay awake until she was sure Chrisjen slept, but her body had other ideas.

*

Bobbie woke with a start when she heard something clatter in the room. The recent events made her combat training kick in and she was searching for her gun before she remembered were she was.

“Fuck,” Chrisjen muttered as she waved on the lamp on her nightstand.

“What’s wrong?” Bobbie asked as she sat up on her elbows, blinking in the sudden light.

“I thought I heard my comm and hoped it was Arjun. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You haven’t heard from him?”

“No.” Chrisjen swallowed hard and looked away. “But there’s almost no contact with Earth. It doesn’t fucking mean anything.”

Bobbie knew that if Arjun had remained in New York, it was highly unlikely he survived. The impact of the rock and the resulting tidal wave had most likely completely reshaped Earth’s coastlines. She had enjoyed her interactions with him and hoped for Chrisjen’s sake that he beat the odds. “What about your daughter and your grandchildren?”

“They were off world. A trip somewhere. I should be hearing from them soon, too.”

“Good. Come back to bed.”

“Fine,” Chrisjen said. As she walked towards the bed, she pulled down the straps of her nightgown and let it pool on the floor. “But I don’t want to fucking sleep.”

And fuck, this is what Bobbie wanted to do since she had received Chrisjen’s first message after the attacks. She wanted to make sure Chrisjen was truly alive, to protect her, to hold her, to give her some pleasure, to mark her as hers. Bobbie removed her clothing and pulled Chrisjen to her. She covered her with her body and slid a leg between hers, kissed her deeply over and over again, until Chrisjen fisted her hand in her hair and pulled Bobbie downward to her breasts.

It was rough and frantic, each would bear marks in the morning - fingernail scratches, bite marks and unintentional bruises. Physical reminders that they were still alive when so many were dead. Reminders of the other for their inevitable upcoming separation from each other. Chrisjen was relentless, as if she needed to feel Bobbie’s skin and hear her moan in order to believe she was really there. Bobbie came around Chrisjen’s fingers while Chrisjen bit down on her shoulder and ground on her hip.

After Bobbie got Chrisjen to come, head between her thighs, she rolled away from Bobbie, curled into a ball, and began to sob. Bobbie had suspected this moment would come and still didn’t quite know what to do. What can you do when someone’s worst fears come true? When everything they’ve worked for their entire life disappears in a few hours? She had been watching her home die bit by bit but the suddenness of this attack seemed like an extra layer of cruelty. Her own tears started to fall - relief that they were still alive, grief for the birthplace of humanity and the billions dead, and fear for the future and for what both of them were going to have to do.

She did the only thing she could think of. She wrapped herself around Chrisjen and held her tightly as she cried. She didn’t want to lie to her, she remembered how each lie about the future of Mars had hurt once she saw the truth. So she placed kisses on Chrisjen shoulder and told her that she loved her, over and over. 

Eventually, Chrisjen turned in Bobbie’s arms and kissed her, softly and slowly. “I fucking meant what I told you. I love and adore you. I want to keep you safe but you and I both know that you’re going to put yourself in fucking danger.” Chrisjen kissed her again. “And that impulse to fight and defend is just one of the reasons I love you. But I need you to stay alive, Bobbie. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, too.”

Bobbie fought not to lower her eyes in the face of Chrisjen’s intensity. “I’m not planning on dying. That’s all I can promise.”

Chrisjen closed her eyes and sighed. “Let me have my delusions for one fucking night.”

Bobbie nodded, then kissed Chrisjen’s lips and forehead. “I promise I won’t die.” She could feel Chrisjen relax against her as she rested her forehead against Bobbie’s chest. “And I love and adore you, too. And you need to stay safe and take care of yourself, which includes sleeping.”

“Fucking bossy,” Chrisjen muttered.

Bobbie held her until her breath evened out in sleep. She kissed the top of her head and joined her in slumber.

*

The two women were startled awake by the door chime. Chrisjen scrambled out of bed, threw her nightgown back on and went to answer the door. Bobbie stayed back to dress but smiled at the voices of Chrisjen’s grandchildren greeting her.

Bobbie emerged from the bedroom and found Chrisjen embraced by her three grandchildren. “We were on our way to Titan when the coup on Mars occurred and we were ordered back to Luna for safety,” Chrisjen’s daughter, Ashanti, was explaining. “All comms were down but we had heard what happened on Earth.” He voice broke and she joined her children in their embrace of Chrisjen. “I’m glad you’re safe, _amma_.”

Chrisjen pulled them all to her as best she could. “I’m so glad you’re safe now, too, my dearest ones.”

The moment was broken when the youngest girl pulled on Chrisjen’s nightgown. “I’m hungry, _amma_.”

“Right! Who wants to help me make breakfast?” Chrisjen asked. All three grandchildren volunteered.

Ashanti walked over to Bobbie. Bobbie wished that her tank top hid the bite marks a bit better, but Ashanti seemed willing to ignore them. “I’m so glad you were here, Bobbie. She shouldn’t have to go through something like this alone.”

Bobbie nodded. “I’m glad you and the kids will be here when I have to leave.”

“You have to - oh, I suppose you’ll have to be a part of the response to this.”

Bobbie grasped her arm. “She hasn’t heard from Arjun.”

“He was on Earth?” At Bobbie’s nod, Ashanti closed her eyes and bit her lip.

“Mom!” Someone called from the kitchen.

“It never ends, doesn’t it?” 

Bobbie and Ashanti made their way to the kitchen. Chrisjen handed Bobbie a glass of water and pulled her away from where the grandchildren were mixing batter for something. “The generals are about two hours out. Can you come with me, help me explain the massive clusterfuck we’re up against?”

“Of course. I just need to stop by the Roci and make sure the power armor I borrowed is charging.”

“I’ll see you in the Armstrong Complex in two hours. I’ll send directions to your comm.” She smiled and stood on her tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on Bobbie’s lips. “Thank you.”

Bobbie smiled. “My pleasure, ma’am.”


End file.
